07/19/24 09:24 - Hasn’t even been 24 hours yet - this is incredibly hard. You don’t even want to know how many times I’ve checked signal for a message. I miss having somebody beside me as I do life.
08/13/24 19:51 - I want to check in, say I’m doing good, comment on her article and just be with there (chatting). Lord have mercy.
09/01/24 - 11:14 am - I want to ask how L is doing, more vacation time, how wedding stuff is coming, how her pain is doing, how family stuff is going. I want to tell her about the 1 year old girl from camping, the human contact story @ Brad Paisley, my dr results.
09/22/24 - 09:39 pm - I miss her so much. I miss the connection, the laughing, the joking, the knowing, the caring, the being known, being seen, validated and cared for.
God, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to wean myself off and let it go. I feel jaded and bitter. Why discover this only for it to not be possible :(
It hurts.
I am sad.
It feels like I was shown was is possible only for it to be snatched away and "aha! gotcha! not for you".
Poems & Processing - 09/26/24
Things I cannot say
Echo in the emptiness
I am so sorry
Us, in the hammock
Is, where I would rather be
Vs, alone here
Now is not the time
Who knows what the future holds
Be where your feet are
I cannot hold hope
So much out of my control
Oh Lord, have mercy
I could fill
The world book encyclopedias
With things
I want to ask you
To share with you
To tell you
Acres of ditch flowers
Streets of trucks
Homes of heated blankets
Please, no flat tire
If you only knew my heart
… I know that you do
(Actually, you do)
I could not tell you
That hazel has healed my heart
Ditch flowers dazzle
It must be let go
As the stars do not align
The night was cloudy
Thank-you for being
There is so much more to hold
Life has just started
Autumn is my fav
Colours floating in the air
Beauty in dying
I wish that I could
Circles of beauty and life
I cannot go there
Thank-you for holding
Space for us to be and share
Ditches forever
Time, distance and space
The Venn diagram is sparse
Come into focus
Boho beautiful
An enchanting ditch flower
Sprinkle your sparkle
09/27/24 - 05:14 pm
A muted warbler
Crouching on the broken branch
Unwilling to fly
Muddied and weeping
Tired, crawling through the muck
Sunlight dips (sips) (trips) at dawn
Whispers of passion
Drift aimlessly through the air
Directionless, alone
The cost of freedom
But a smidgen of your soul
A rot that withers
Stolen fruit; waters
Filled with flavour and texture
Seeping in the soul
09/27/24 - 07:45 pm - Right now I am dying to share with her the video I posted on Facebook (Lainey Wilson) and how she is doing pre wedding tomorrow. And what she's wearing and how her hair is and how her emotions are. Lord have mercy.
I want to feel valued and appreciated and wanted and needed. I had that and I closed that off. I know it was the "right" thing to do and it doesn't feel good.
Been craving soooooo much sugar. Well, mainly desserts at dinner - lol.
10/05/24 - 05:37 pm
I saw you live on Facebook
My heart skipped a beat
Yes, I'm getting it checked out
Turns out I'm not breathing properly
Yes, you do take my breath away
Oceans crossed and volcanoes climbed
Time does not grant as a redo
Nor would it turn out like
We think it would.
We have been chiseled, shaped, and forged by life
We would not be who we are
Without what we've gone through
Imaginations can run wild
Thoughts can roam on open plains
And through ditches
We are where we are
And we are who we are
You have brought
So much light and love
To so many people
-
I just want to message you
And let you know it's all going to be ok
And even when it's not ok
It's ok.
You got this.
You are valuable.
You are worthwhile.
You are worthy.
10/07/24 - 08:44 pm - I made chocolate zuchinni cupcakes yesterday. I want to send you the photos and comment on them and get validation and humor.
I miss having a board to bounce stuff off of and to draw connections on.
I was about to say I sound like a love-struck angsty teenager but I also don't want to minimize or mock what I'm feeling. I want there to be space for that and for that to be ok (to feel the feels). To be kind to myself. To acknowledge the loss. It's like having a spoonful of buttercream that is oh, so damn good and going back for seconds and thirds but knowing I shouldn't. I haven't gone back but I want to. LHM.
12/23/24 - 12:02 pm - This all has to come out. A journal entry would probably have done just fine, but that's not where I'm at. There is a part of me that hopes, one day, you will read this. And it will be fine and help you make sense of it all. And me, for that matter.
We will laugh, and cry, together as you work through each blog posting and pepper me with questions. We'll smile knowingly at each other and have a deep sense of "I knew it, I fucking knew it". That's because you're my ditch flower.
Alternatively, you never see this. You never know how much stuff I know you went through, what I went through and that it all left very visible and permanent marks. That's because you're not my ditch flower.
I don't get it. I don't get why somethings in life work out and why other things don't. I also don't get suffering but that may a later post.
I miss, you. So much. I miss being seen. Being heard. Not having to have shields up (I wrote a poem about it, not sure you ever saw it). I miss seeing you. I miss discovering you, who you are, watching you come alive, laugh and even, that once, cry. In the car on the side of the road as you were trying to process the appointment you just came from.
How much of this connection is fantasy world building and how much of it is tangible, real-world, real-feelings connection? Where is that line?
I miss having fun. I miss the laughter, the rambling, the seemingly "meaningless & mundane" of us sharing our day(s). I miss seeing you. Talking to you.
Also, we never actually talked live - lol! That's wild, right?@? RIGHT?
It's so easy for me to picture talking to you. Laughing, interrupting, animated, emotional and wonderful. And omg, if we ever met in person? The hug you would get. It would end you.
You are an amazing, beautiful, resilient, bold, colourful, tender, sensitive, and a radiant ditch flower, no matter how hard the wind might blow. But, alas, you are not my ditch flower.
Not that you could ever be "had" as you are your own person and not a possession, but you know what I mean. I know you do.
you're the breath in my body
you're the blood that's in my veins
you're my strength
when I grow weary
you're my shelter when it rains
...
I was made to be your man
Just not this go-round.
12/23/24 - 03:58 pm - Saw this come up in my email updates as to "What to Watch" this weekend (https://uk.news.yahoo.com/call-midwife-2024-christmas-special-release-cast-plot-113704788.html). Immediately thought of you and then immediately thought of texting you it. I almost did. "She messaged me first with Christmas song playlists" was my justification, which I loved, btw and almost, numerous times, sent you my playlist and my top 5 favourite this year, which are:
- Maybe This Christmas - Michael Bublé, Carly Pearce
- How Do I Wrap My Heart Up for Christmas - Randy Travis
- Hangover for Christmas - Robyn Ottolini
- Boots On - Santa's Version - Mackenzie Carpenter
- Bluegrass, White Snow - Patty Loveless
12/23/24 - 04:12 pm - I want to respond to your posting on grief. Megan Divine's book "It's Ok to not be Ok" is outstanding and so good. I want to tell you that you're ok. I wanna give you a hug. I want to hold you and give you space to cry. Don't get me started, I know you can cry. Bring it.
04/12/25 - 12:35 pm
- Tallest sliced his finger yesterday - like father like son.
- I broke down while cleaning my ensuite. Just sat there and wept.
- Probably triggered by listening to "Forever To Me' by Cole Swindell
- So numb. So very numb.
- Wondering how getting a camping site went.
- I'm doing a Mexican feast for my buddies tomorrow and I want you to come shopping with me.
- I just couldn't say it back. I couldn't. I couldn't do that to you. I'm so sorry and yet not and yet yes.
- Luke Comb's "Love You Anyway" - f*%# this sh!&. Lose it every time.
- After listening to this an obscene number of times, this song is literally perfect.
- Thought of posting this on ODODO and nope, can't - lol.
- Not sure why I'm starting this (again). I need it to be therapeutic. I need to get it out. There is a part of me that feels 2 years from now I'll be sitting beside you, your head will be on my shoulder and you'll be reading this in disbelief (go head, smack me, I know)
- There are some things that are outside of time. You and I, Squirrel. You and I.
- And if you haven't already, you never told me the nickname you had for me. Lol.
04/14/25 - 12:59 pm
- Went to get my eyes checked this morning and Linda was there. Linda is awesome. She has taken care of me and the boys for as long as I can remember.
- She goes (after the classic small chit-chat) "So is somebody going to be with you to checkout new glasses?". Oof. Almost died right there. I was gonna run the glasses options by you. Thought about emailing you and ignoring everything and how utterly awful that would be of me. So instead I just said "Nope, I trust you" to Linda. Lol.
- Also, tracked the prep time for the Mexican feast that I put on for my birthday yesterday. About 10 hours all-in. That would have been really fun to do with you. Like, so fun.
- Also, how much of this is healthy processing and how much of this is reinforcing the fantasy?
- Oy vey.
04/28/25 09:51 - I never asked if you liked bluegrass music. What’s your favourite ways to have eggs? Do you prefer holding hands on the left or right side. I miss you.
04/28/25 19:41 - I was texting while waiting for dinner and they said “You texting your next-wife?” I almost replied “We’re currently blocking each other” - 😂🥺
04/29/25 07:49 - Bro just sent a pic of the twins wearing jean jackets. You would DIE!!!
04/29/25 21:46 - Oh sh!&. I emailed you without even thinking after finding out about your Dad. I still care and think about you so very much. While this is horrible of me, and it took me a while to get here, one of my thoughts was - this is her out.
04/30/25 13:46 - Just had my cardiologist appointment. They are a lot more fun and manageable (the appointments) when you’re with me. I miss you.
05/01/25 - 10:14 am - F*%#. I miss you so much. F*%# this sh!&. I’m also obsessing of why you haven’t replied to my email. I hope you get great delight and joy out of that.
05/01/25 17:46 - I cannot tell you how many times I opened my email on my phone today to see if there was a reply from you.
05/03/25 10:56 - I KNEW you’d just reply thank-you. Also, eldest and I just finished replacing the driver-side van window motor. Wanted to send you pics. Sigh.
05/05/25 - 08:24 pm - My evening routine of playing computer games and chatting with you is all fucked up. I spent time here for you, not the video game -lol.
05/06/25 - 11:14 am - Her birthday today - much mixed feelings.
05/06/25 18:10 - The group sent a meme of “send this to your wives”. I know EXACTLY how you would have responded. It would have been with a “Yes please” and I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling.
05/07/25 11:00 - Having nachos for lunch. 😂😂
05/07/25 - 11:06 am - Buddy posted this after I was complaining how I missed singles on sudoku. “Probably a good habit to start by asking ‘are you single’? If not move on until something changes. Trust that when you do find them it will be at the right time for both of you. “. I almost died. Well, part of me did die.
05/08/25 06:13 - Morning Squirrel! The sun is shining in my room, it’s early and my ears are ringing. I brought you breakfast in bed - not sure if you like that and, well, here it is. You are so cute in the morning 😂
05/08/25 21:40 - Luke Combs - Love You Anyway
05/09/25 21:52 - I’m texting with you right now. Dammit. You WERE supposed to block me. That WAS part of the agreement. I can’t tell you now cuz you’re having a sh!& time and I won’t be texting again. :(
05/09/25 22:30 - I’m actually pretty upset. :( I thought we were on the same page with this and while I remember you saying you wouldn’t block me right away, the implication and understanding from our messages was that it would be mutual. I can’t do this on my own. I thought we agreed. I had a super weak moment tonight and it should have been blocked and it wasn’t. I am not strong enough and it’s frustrating. I wanted to do this together and in agreement and it’s not. And that really really sucks because it puts it all on me.
05/15/25 19:14 - Omg. There goes my plan of a small wedding. Found a LOTR wedding meme and now the whole group is figuring out who they are. Amazing.
05/19/25 - 01:19 pm - I want to deliver a double double with donuts anonymously to your work. I want to unblock you and share my location and say nothing. I want to sit on a park bench as you walk to work and just see you and say nothing. I want to get my nails done. I want to surprise you. I want to give you the biggest hug you’ve ever received.
05/21/25 14:27 - So I’m at the airport. They wanted me here 3 hours early. lol. Even this is too much imho. The smell of the guy beside is obnoxious (overloaded cologne). Either that or the Uber scent permeated into my very being. I really really really hope it’s not that one. MyT said my Rogue is not allowed to come out and play and that I need to muzzle and manacle him. 😂😂
05/22/25 11:17 - Sitting with Mom. She’s sleeping. Can you stop by and give me a hug and I wanna see your smile. Also, this is the closest to you I’ve been in 26 years. You’re right in the building next door iirc. I could just stop by. Dammit, my Rogue is alive and well. 😂😂 I hope you’re healing well, R. And getting lots of rest. Your brain needs to rest.
05/23/25 22:03 - I desperately want to send you the pic of me holding E.
05/25/25 07:36 - You would DIE seeing the twins and R. :)
Also, I knew I would. I just knew. I saw you yesterday. I was like “that looks a lot like R” and then saw your son and your DILs and was like “yup, that’s her”. I took a pic which I think was just long enough to gather myself and walk away. I wanted so much to walk by you. So much. So so much. And now is not the time. Not sure it will ever be, and def not now. That sucked so hard, especially after seeing Mom for what will probably be the last time. I just wept walking to the car. Actually, pretty sure you heard me - lol.
05/25/25 20:32 - Waiting at the airport. I wanna unblock you and message the photo to you and ask if everything is ok.
05/27/25 - 10:13 pm - Hard day. Playing hearthstone. Miss you something fierce. Sis asked about you today if I saw you when I was out there - lol. I love how she just knows things.
05/27/25 - 10:29 pm - I don’t know why life works out the way it does. I don’t know if you’ll ever read these or if I’ll ever see you or chat with you again. My heart hurts. I don’t know why. And it’s ok.
05/28/25 08:47 - About to head to another heart appointment. It was really nice having you ride shotgun last time. I miss that.
05/29/25 07:33 - I think this morning (or was it last night) I had the realization (or it became clearer) that this might not even have the slightest chance of working out ever and I’m not sure I can deal with that. Doesn’t feel ok. And it’s ok.
06/01/25 19:55 - “Her heart had more bumps than a back road but her eyes sparkled like diamonds and her love was true.“
06/05/25 15:47 - I would love to chat with you about things that we discussed in therapy. Like my buddies are good but I need my person. And I know you’re not my ditch flower. I’m just sayin.
06/14/25 7:29 - Costco shop yesterday and had to buy the John Deere t-shirt. And wouldn’t you know it - it’s so comfy I might go back and buy a few more 😂 Trying really hard not to picture you in my t-shirt and not being the most successful ever.
06/15/35 21:44 - Got a “Happy Fathers Day” text this morning from a 204 number and for the life of me couldn’t figure out which one of my nephew or nieces it was from. Took me a hot minute and then realized it was from you. Not sure a text has ever brought me such immense joy and overwhelming sadness at the same time. You haven’t blocked my number :(
07/01/25 7:41 - I wonder if I’m going to get a “Happy Canada Day” message from you today. Also, found the ODODO post I wrote a week and a half after it all stopped. Decided to post it. The way it works is that it sorts by post date and I can tell it the post date so it’s tucked away before some of my older ones. There is a part of me that posted it just so I can touch the feeling (laughter) I get when I imagine your feisty response to it - lol.
07/07/25 9:11 - At least daily I check your instagram. I’m not doing good. I just want to curl up and turtle, and sometimes I do. Listening to Dean Brody’s “Trail in Life” isn’t helping. Finished a bottle of gin watching the “Before” trilogy. There were so many emotions. When are you camping this year? You doing it with them as well or has that changed because of the things? I miss you videos. Your messages. Your laugh.
07/07/25 19:27 - It’s a good thing I don’t have your number or I’d be texting you tonight.
07/09/25 07:57 - Oh for fuck’s sake R. When are you going camping??
07/11/25 19:21 - Hah! You went camping! And you got a hammock!! And your new tent!!!! I’m so glad I don’t have your number - would have texted you today. I’m sucking.
07/12/25 08:01 - Unblocked you on signal and sent a message (a single dot). Wasn’t delivered and don’t think it worked. Sucking so hard right now.
07/12/25 - 02:51 pm - Well sh!&. I didn’t delete your number on one of my devices and texted you “Laundry”. Oy vey. Lol.
07/13/25 - 9:39 - omg. You replied back with a heart. Still pissed at you that you haven’t blocked my number and that’s like the pot calling that kettle black 😂😂. How did you feel? Were you happy? Sad? Angry? Shocked? Sigh. 😢It was either that or sunscreen. :)
07/17/25 3:58pm - You never shared whether your book was good or not. Almost messaged you on insta. You look and sounded so sad on your insta stories :(
07/22/25 waking up - I dreamt of you last night. I was touching / caressing your neck and you gave me a look - lol.
07/25/25 - 01:05 pm - Songs that I think of sharing with you:
- Bird on a Wire - Neville Brothers
- Heartbroken Hallelujah- MercyMe
I miss connecting with you. :’(
07/26/25 21:56 - Walked home from FIF (Saturday) roughly the same path from May 9 and had lots of the memories. Almost the same sky.
07/31/25 21:28 - I’m dying, hon. DYING. so glad I deleted your number. Would have easily texted you 100 times in the last three days. Jonesing so hard to hear / see you. Messaged R on Facebook today to casually check in and try to get an update on you through him. Didn’t work 😂. I know I can’t, and I really, really, really want to. :(
07/31/25 21:48 - What would happen if I message you on insta from Adam. No way you wouldn’t know it wasn’t me. Oy vey. I’m still curious about the book though. I can let this or you go. :’(
08/01/25 - 10:57 - It's been a while since I went to Matins (for a variety of reasons). I forgot how much clearer I think after Matins.
I have to end/finish it all, don't I?
Yesterday was a super super super rough day. I leave myself "outs", "just in case", and I can't do that. That's not right for anybody.
I was initially going to put this on the site and I think I still might, as a memorial of sorts, and also, who am I kidding, there is a part of me that still wants you to see it. To explain. To show you I cared. I might delete it and I think the next step is just getting it up.
The challenging part, of course, is once it's up it's so easy to share, so there's that. Sigh.
I think I might write a post about life. Maybe. We'll see.
This note file has become my place of comfort, my place of solace. I'm still hiding you in parts of my heart and I can't.
Sigh.
Goodbye.